Dear Ama,
Before I tell you anything, I just want to say that I am doing good here in my college and now, I am also adapting with everything that's changed from being transferred out of home. I am coming to know that there's more to life than cherries and chocolates. It's always in my prayers to have our Koen-cho-sum bless you, my dear Ama and Apa. Maybe, most of the time in life, all we can do is pray. We might believe that there is God or there isn't, but deep inside all of us, we all believe that there's always someone who watches us all and our happiness.

Now, let me share with you something, Ama. Something which didn't bother me for long but now, it does. I have been receiving a call from an unknown caller which started shortly after I bought a new SIM card four years back. The voice makes me feel so familiar to her. With her voice, I have pictured her to be a woman in her late 60's from the Eastern part of Bhutan. The way she speaks is how our older people used to speak back in our village, Trashi Yangtse. The gentleness and compassionate tone in her voice makes it really difficult to reject her call directly saying that she called a wrong number. Each time she calls, I show all my softness to say, "Please Aunt, would you let your son or daughter recheck the number because I am not the Kota Pema that you wanted to call. It's been like 50th time you have called till now. It is just a waste of your time and mobile's account balance. For me, it doesn't matter."

For the past four years, she called at least once a month. And sometimes, even once a week. It didn't really bother me. Rather, I felt sorry for her that she had to waste so much of her energy on having found someone she didn't want to find. It didn't bother me but now, it does. Ama, I know it is really difficult to resist the demise of our beloved Grandma a month ago. It always makes me want to go back to her and still today, I can't believe she is not in this world anymore. I didn't want to remind you about this but what I want to tell you today is that the unknown elderly woman, who calls me owing to her wrong number, reminds me of our beloved Grandma. Their voice are indistinguishably similar. The love and generosity I used to hear in our Grandma's voice, I hear in her.

...still today, I can't believe she is not in this world anymore.

I am sure that, by now, she knows that my number is a wrong number that she is calling. But besides the fact, she calls before I forget. Ama, you used to tell me that we meet people by our own fate and it is not a coincidence. You wanted me to appreciate all the people around me. I have shared this incident to one of my friends who suggested me to change my number but I have refused it. I don't want to change my number and it is okay to receive a call from her now. Over some period of time, I feel bonded to someone I don't even know who and where. I am rather happy that I knew how important it is to keep in touch with the ones who are beloved to us. The unknown elderly woman has called me more than anyone who is known to me.

I have concluded that she is an old woman in search of her son. Maybe, no one misses us more than our mother does. One day, their son will marry a lady and leave home. That time, no matter how much a mother loves her son, she have to let go. Only a mother knows what it really is to let go. Ama, I always appreciated how much you valued me as a son. Since I was a child, I read so many fairy tales and always wanted to meet an angel not realizing that you were the real angel.

Only a mother knows what it really is to let go.

Yours
Son

'Dear Ama' is a series of letters I look forward to write for my mom about everything that goes inside of me and everything that goes around me. There are numerous things that I really wish I could share with her at some point. And writing down could be one of those few things that really ease me.

Dear Ama,
I can realize that it took you so much of love and care to make me who I am today. I know that your love was unimaginable and your care unconditional. In every step I make, and in every breathe I take, I fear that all your effort might go in vain. And, at times, I pray to God that all I want in this life is to keep you happy, because you deserve it. In fact, you deserve more. Please, understand me at times when I make you feel low because I may hurt your sentiments unintentionally. My emotions are like vagabond; it always wanders from place to place. And I beg your pardon when my undesired emotions meet your days.

I just want to write you a little bit about how my life is at the moment having moved into a hostel of a college from home. Being in school was a lot easier for me, honestly, because I was a day-scholar for all my schooling years. I never went through hardships because you were always there for me. Well, the difference I am struggling at this moment is having to save money for my own, buy the ration for my room, cook myself, clean the room, maintain by bed, remind myself to drink water and eat fruits, and of course numerous things. Sometimes, I go broke just few days after you and Dad send me some cash. All the matters are really common for all the students in here. Please, don't take it as a complaint, but rather as a story of a different life I am living. It is really interesting and I am sure I will look back and smile someday.

I am sure I will look back and smile someday.

I realized that the happiness inside four walls depend solely upon 'compromising' for one another. We are of four here in the room. It feels like a family for most of the time because we understand each other and we don't quarrel over little stuffs that has potential to get dissolved in our own hearts. Ama, you always told me to be good with friends because they are the only ones who will look after me when I am sick in your absence. Sometimes, I lose it when they don't go according to how I want it to go. Maybe that is normal because we consider it normal in our family too. I am learning what it takes to make a family happier and to keep the bond alive. It takes a lot and a lot and a lot of sacrifice. You must sacrifice your ego. You must sacrifice your comfort. You must sacrifice your fear. You must sacrifice your opinions, too. The more we sacrifice, the happier we stay together.

It takes a lot and a lot and a lot of sacrifice.

I am pretty sure that Dad and you could have expected me to go somewhere other than Sherubtse College. Maybe expected me to join an engineering college. I couldn't do it. Please forgive me. But let's believe that wherever I reach, it is because of my own fate plus there could be a good reason for me being where I am at this moment. Dear Ama, you used to tell me that as long as I have my two feet and two arms, I can survive in this world. It didn't only tell me about strength but also gave me a hope to move on from many things that matter to me. I believe in myself, that I can do better than this and a better life awaits. It's not a matter of self-esteem, but a matter of self-respect.

It didn't only tell me about strength but also gave me a hope to move on from many things that matter to me.

I miss home so bad at times. Ama, I don't want to wish anything of you now. I just want to thank you for everything you have sacrificed for me till now to keep the love strong and to keep the family happy. I understand now. I am getting what you were trying to say all this time. I am learning and realizing things as I am standing apart from your safe zone now. But anyway, college is good to me and I want you to know that I will make the best use of the time given to me right now to stay here. There are bigger and more fearful things that could be coming next. But I will make sure that whenever I fall, I get up because there is your strength guarding me.

Yours
Son