“Happy Birthday to you…” sung the melodies by my friends, 12 midnight of 21st August 2016. I didn’t really understand whether I was excited for my Birthday or whether I was worried about what life has for me next to challenge my weakness. This year is, honestly, the year that somewhat I didn’t feel like surviving. Almost on the verge of giving up but being caught by the powerful words my Dad always had for me. Said life isn’t easy, and life isn’t supposed to be easy.
I don’t know what went wrong in the middle of the way. All I wanted to do was make 2016 my year and convince people what I am worth. I already failed. Or maybe I am worth nothing at all. Oh, no! This aren’t the things my Dad wanted me to think. He wants me to believe in myself because he has seen my potential. I am too young to lose hope. I only began my early adulthood yesterday.
Mother is uneducated but has values worth more than those who did PhD. Her words are of no less meaning. She is the one who suffered 18 years ago to bring me in this bitter sweet reality. She suffered for me because she knew I could be of little help to few people when I live as a person. For that, I remain lucky to have both the parents in the first place.
Hell will always come before we grow. I made a resolution to hold on to these words, “I will always smile to problems”. Well, I saw it important because of all the situations I am facing at the moment. I don’t know why I deserve all these, all these down-looks from people who once trusted me when all I pray to god is to flourish happiness to all beings on earth. I lost their trust and that is what kills me often. When they look at me, they don’t see me. They see my mistakes, faults and failures. I realized how easy it is to destroy in one day all the mountains of incredible impressions we created on people taking years and years long. Facebook account also remains deactivated because I heard and saw people who were peeping through and bringing my FB opinions and stuffs to the real world to create a mess.
I wish I could express how sorry I am to some people I thought I loved but what I really did was bring those sorrows and stresses in their days. I wish I could express how sorry I am to people who saw me becoming a different man they didn’t like each passing day. I promise, it was never up to me to become what I became. No one will want to become someone hated by everyone. Everyone will want a good name and story among society. So am I and all I wanted was a good impression to people. But all I have, now, is nothing.
I am entering 18 with broken hopes, lost trusts and torn impressions when all I wanted was to enter it becoming a powerful man I wished all night. I am done with life and I will wait what life has for me next. I will work hard to build once more the good man I was some years back. But I swear once more, it was never up to me to become who I became. And it will never be up to me to become who I want to be.
Maybe someday, everyone will feel how I felt, go through the rough path I am walking through at the moment. They will realize they can do nothing about it just like life wanted me to enter 18 in storm.